It is hard for sure. Sometimes these are decisons that require a family member or friend to assist in the process to take the action steps and feel ok afterwards.
Brain busting day. My aunt awake, conversant, forming words…..thankful for the visit…wow! Wow coupled with dementia outbursts of anger….sliding back into a deep retreat. The full meal deal in a matter of hours. This off again…on again…off again scenario is admittedly frying my brain. I cannot process it in the gut. Intellectually yes, but in the gut, where it counts…no.
I am too far down a path, trail, road to know or feel how to retreat to stability. I feel like I am lost in a maze. Make sense? No amount of rest, nutrition, intellectual pursuit, off sets this sense of hopelessness and it conspires to point to your weakness.
Work + hospice + personal chaos did not make for a good day and the night doesn’t look very damn promising either. Ok, just a bad day is all.
That said, a mentor of sorts gave me this tonight:
To let go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do for someone else.
To let go is not to cut someone off, it’s the realization I can’t control another.
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it is to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle of arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To let go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is to fear less and love more.
The above piece was a handout, the type someone gives you to plant a seed or perhaps garner several truisms that will resonate and sustain. Depending upon the moment in life one struggles with, there is definitely a kernel of reality for each sentence as we pass through the struggles of life.
By natural means, how does one decide to let go….to die? A short time ago, my aunt gasped to say to me “I am not going to make it…too tired” I responded in a stilted voice “Let go love”. Now what? Does dementia, the inner soul, the lucid moment allow for some focus to be had to turn out the lights and say the party is over? Is she along for the ride, or does she have a say?