Hoarding’s Love Languages……..

In 1995, Gary Chapman wrote a little gem called The Five Love Languages for couples to analyze, in counseling, what they need in a relationship and what their partner needs to feel loved as well.

Love Languages

So an update…as I have written before, we have been through quite the journey cleaning up two massive hoards. In the end, we sat mentally numb and physically damaged. We decided to move from our home into my Aunt (ours) hoarding home after the renovations. A renovation/cleanup of our home we had been in for 18 years commenced. There was a lot of hard work and downsizing. We moved into the new home with all our stuff and our kid’s (adults that left a lot behind) stuff.

We had retained too much of my Mom’s stuff and too much of my Aunt’s stuff in the new house (garage/basement bedroom and party room). We moved in and it was quickly apparent we needed to truly lean down even further. We didn’t/we couldn’t just yet…a family member said “we want to have our wedding in your backyard in June. Well there really wasn’t a backyard so the next few months were spent creating one and preparing the house for a one day event…everything went into the already full garage.

The wedding came and went, then a large Birthday party on 6/28. I knew the garage was haunting me…the downstairs bedroom/party room haunts my wife…

The above pic was the day of the birthday party. You can see the carport area with the BBQ. It was relatively clean at this point. The next day, was G Day…the garage had to be attacked or I would be haunted by it through the Summer. Plus I could not find any tools.

The next day dawned and I raised the garage door…I had scrupulously hidden the remote door opener to not suffer embarrassment or the need to explain too much stuff.

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Above, the garage door was raised. I pulled out the top, teetering layers and still had a barricade with no trail into the garage…it was that evil axiom of ‘no vacuum goes unfilled’ when cleaning up a mess. I had to fill the carport area with stuff from the garage and so it began. Of course, I didn’t move the darn BBQ.

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By late afternoon, I had pushed toward the back (above). A path had been cleared, but truly so much stuff had been pulled out into the carport to create that space.

July 2 Garage

Four days later, the space looked little different. In true hoarding/unfocused cleanup fashion, I had worked out in the garage everyday. The inside temp ran 95 to 102 degrees inside. I moved stuff here and there to make room, but didn’t sort what I moved. I seemed to trip and stumble over the same stuff over and over. Piles cascaded down. Repeatedly, I swore aloud, while thinking this was so ridiculous given what we had been through for the last 5 years.

garage 7-5

This morning, July 5th, the garage is looking better on the right side. However, the previously opened space on the left side (below) has temporarily filled with mostly larger camping items.

garage 7-5 other side

So, to the point, with the above as a lead in….I have been standing out in the oven of a garage for one week and handled hundreds of items. Most of this stuff has been handled multiple times before. Yet, I still have it. I have found myself making repeat decisions on retaining items on criteria we have mentioned before. But, today, I want to list them again in the order of my decision making because a pattern has evolved that speaks to my potential Hoarding Love language”

1) Sentimental Attachment (all keepsakes)

2) Tools (Hand, power, yard) and all duplicates, old and new

3) Containers (all duffles, bags, sacks, cigar boxes, satchels, plastic bins

4) All things fishing, camping..a gazillion duplicates

5) Pieces of something (nuts, bolts, keys, parts to stuff unknown)

Yes, the common ‘I might need it someday’…’I paid good money for that’ have come into play, but overwhelmingly the most frustrating controlling factor has been the sentimental attachment to objects I haven’t laid eyes on in years. In many cases I could not recall how I acquired the item(s)!

So the best I have come up with is I segregated the sentimental stuff to one part of the garage on one set of shelving and made a mental note to seriously sort through this stuff and once and for all get rid of it. Nope, I can’t see myself walking out to the oven of a garage and doing it after posting this. A mental wall currently forbids it. Hmm? Well, at least I see it and am embarrassed to share it here. It’s not as if I have not got full gabage cans full, right now, with stuff I have discarded over the last week. But, not enough to tell you the truth.

The carport pad is still stacked with basically three types of items: fly tying materials (a dozen bins & boxes), hand tools and probable garbage. Beyond that and down the driveway, aways, are things I am giving away.

So this is an update. This garage will never be one of those squeaky clean garages you can dine off the floor types. But, I figure I am 1/3rd done with the interior. Then, I have a shop behind the garage that is full of large, bulky stuff that will fill a vacuum at some point. Fortunately, I have not filled up the patio, yard or surrounding walkways.

It’s going to happen….I have fishing dates to attend to and no weddings or birthdays to fret about.

Hoarding Transitions…

For those of you that have followed along here at Hoarding Woes & You, you have seen the transitions of the house and the immediate surroundings (the driveway, the patio, the carport/garage). I thought I would share a sequence of images of the back yard that transformed from my Aunt’s well maintained, heavily flowered venue to a mess and to what we have created this past few months….

Tillie backyard 1987
My Aunt’s backyard in 1987…representative of the entire back yard…but by now she had started filling the patio and had created the tarped sidewalls.
patio walls
The patio, a lovely spot at one time, was encased in layers of canvas/tarps and then the 20′ x 20′ x 10′ area was completely filled.
BY tarps 2011
The once well maintained backyard was filled with pallets and box upon box of stuff…covered with layer upon layer of blue tarps.

 

BY tarps 2

BY corner
The cleanup commenced and layers of rotting stuff and dead animals were pulled away.
backyard-pile-gone
The backyard was cleared leaving a muddy mess….but this vacuum was filled yet again with debris from cleaning nearby areas…this happened repeatedly…

 by pile

The photos could go on and on over the last few years cleanup, renovations, and now the new back yard…I will just show the end result
BY 5-2015

by 5-2015 c

BY 5-2015 a

Not quite as laden with flowers, but still closer back to the original. The birdbath remains…somewhere there is a photo of me standing there some 55 years ago…but let’s not go there!!! Sorry for the size of some of the photos…Hope those of you that followed along from the beginning or somewhere in between enjoy this sequence. All of the roses were my folks and my Aunt’s. It feels so good to bring a semblance of beauty back to the yard and the house.

Perspective & Fatigue

I write less frequently now. We seemed to have climbed the massive peak sometime ago and started the descent. Almost fearful to look back, not wanting to revisit all that came with those two hoarding cleanups and the grueling loss of two dear ladies.

boxes-storage-locker-stuff-on-driveway
I mean look at this stack of boxes…this was one load of three loads we handled one March morning when we had to empty out my Aunt’s storage locker and bring it to the hoarding house. It was mentally defeating to re-insert stuff into the mix…but we did it and we kicked ass! We did it then…we had to do it now.

We mentally settled into our new home. We felt the tensions start to release. Ah, but wait. We seemed to have forgotten the large elephant (I guess they’re all large aren’t they) standing in the room. We still owned another home that needed to be cleaned out and renovated and sold…the clock was ticking. Mortgage payments continued. The house, whether to be rented or sold had to be cleaned out and fixed up.

Should have been a simple matter compared to what we had been through? But, whether ignored, not immediately recognized or suppressed some bothersome patterns of old re-emerged and might again be of use to you.

We found ourselves dealing with the following repeat offenders: sentimental attachments…’might be worth something’…’I might need it someday’…’I will do it later’…and just honest to God damaged bodies and some suppressed mental fatigue thing that seriously clouds momentum and decisions. Both my wife and I found ourselves at a standstill.

We had set aside way too much of my Mom’s and Aunt’s stuff. Really, unless we rotate items we found ourselves with boxes of stuff stacked at the new home with no place to put the items. Some had collector’s value and some were sentimental keepsakes. They added up.

Our kids had moved out sometime ago. They moved out into student housing or small, shared environments and we still had all the years of accumulation that had not been adequately thinned out along the way. Books, toys, sports, clothing, stuffed animals, drawings, pictures, furniture in grand scale given my Mom (the hoarding Mom) loved to give many presents on the scale with which she accumulated stuff! ‘Here grandson how about a large fire truck…no how about two and you can pretend you are a whole fire department!’

We found we had moved lean into the new home in keeping with the new life style we wanted to see. But somehow those old bugaboos of holding onto stuff had snuck into the mix! Procrastination had entered into the mix and we let down our game face intensity and it up and left us! No energy to stand up and kick ass and get rid of that old house!

So we have mounted the offensive to have the old house on the market one month from now. Carpets have been gutted out. Each room is receiving unmerciful (well not quite that ruthless) scrutiny of what stays and what goes with the ‘goes’ pieces a substantial amount. A trailer is making trips to the dump. We have coordinated  with an estate sale planner to infuse a great deal of the items (good quality items) into a low quantity estate sale (the client would/must be ok with such an intrusion). Renovations have been commenced. We and dear old members of ‘the Team’ (those stalwart family members that suffered through the hoarding cleanups) have offered to help with this final blitz. 

So much of this is mental (timelines, plans, action steps to complete toward large goals, constant assessing Plan A and Plan B, and helping each other to stay on course when one would rather stay home, stay down, get more sleep, just do it later). But there is the undeniable physical component I have often alluded to. If you are out of shape or suffer physical ailments there is an inescapable price to be paid on your body. The Team could equally be called the Bad Back Sciatica Team. 

So to recap…the obvious you are thinking…yes I know, I know: If you are involved in a hoarding cleanup strongly consider what you are bringing into your own home along the way because you will suddenly have that full garage, basement, spare room (all of the above maybe) and getting to it later equals when you are older, tired, ill, battered and cannot fathom sorting through all that stuff. Be careful what you decide to keep. 

stuff heavy-load

Kick your kids in the ass to make decisions of what stays and what goes and be ruthless with them to avoid the decision making pitfalls of sentimentality, practicality, worth etc. A little bit will enter into it, but boxes of stuffed animals or clothing for their children is not practical and most importantly where will it be stored in those years they are off finding themselves and establishing a life???

Well, we are off to the ‘old house’, the Team is waiting on us. Lastly, anyway that you can recruit and retain help will greatly assist you in maintaining momentum and help you over come procrastination, sharing the physical toil and ‘enjoying’ the process.

Yes, we had to stop, turn around and climb partway back up that hill but the reality is our perceptions were blurry. This was a small task compared to everything we have done (size, difficulty) but the ability to see that was difficult when mental fatigue and maybe even just damage has taken hold. Much like life is a journey where you learn as you go or reflect back and see how you have changed along the way. We just wanted to reflect; soon…very soon.

Hoarding Woes Update..

Hello all! I do hope you all had a pleasant holiday season and are facing a positive pathway in the new year!!! Hopefully not a hoarding pathway! But, if you are I wanted to let you know a few things.

I have noticed, of late, that I have daily additions of followers to Hoarding Woes & You. I am most thankful you have found your way here, if even for infrequent searching. I must let you know, I will only post here now on a rare event. Most of my/our activities in life (post hoarding cleanups) are over on SwittersB & Exploring. I welcome your visits over there where I share our passion for photography, fly fishing, travel and writing. It is what we are trying to do to rebuild our lives, our minds and hearts.

single bloom cactus-Mojave-desert-photography-SwittersB

That said, the aftermath of the hoarding cleanups is still there. Unopened boxes, too much of our own stuff now having kept too much of my Mom and Aunt’s treasures. We are faced with what many are faced with after cleaning up a hoarding mess that they didn’t foresee…trapped with too much in the aftermath. And, too tired or distracted to address the problem. Hmm? That’s dangerous because one illness, one protracted crisis leaves us right where our hoarder so often was.

Illness, weakness, a crushed spirit saps resolve from our core. We procrastinate, we turn away from the stuff and just give up. Not that we are there, but we are besieged with physical ailments that bring us to a halt for days on end. Also, the good side of life intervenes with holidays, birthdays, celebrations, hobbies things that were sacrificed before and are now taken in like some healthy elixir. We are trying to make up for lost time and at the same time not quite finishing up what needs to be done.

So, I may or may not delve into this along the way. But, as I have said before, please if you are a new visitor take the time to go back to the beginning and study the past. Not so much about our journey but to gather understanding, patience, courage, strength for what you are facing and have not quite yet grasped the magnitude of it all.

Also, please write and ask questions if you wish. I will always be alert to Hoarding Woes & You…see I saw I had quite a few new followers lately. So, I want to help if I can or just be an ear for your journey. 

Again, best wishes for 2015!!!

 

Officially ‘Moved’ In….57 Years Later

Today, August 6, 2014 marks a momentous benchmark met. My wife and I have made the move into the Hoarding House-The Project House-Our Home. Much remains to be done at our home and, well our other home. But, it is in keeping with what we seem to have been doing the past few years: sorting, moving stuff about, getting ready for a garage sale, donating stuff and this time selling the home we raised our children in the majority of the time. Tonight I will lay my head at a new residence. New in so many ways if you have followed along. I have two photos for you. One you have seen several times before, the other not.

me-August 1957
August 1957. Me at my Auntie’s Front Porch. She took the photo. In these days the home was always well maintained and the inside was a showpiece of California influences, in Portland.
Me August 2014
Me, August 2014. 57 years later, I am standing at the same spot. This image was taken by my wife, my steadfast partner throughout this journey.

Somehow this event seems filled with many ironies and I just wanted to share that. Also, I wanted to once again remark that I do receive notice of any enquiries/comments left here at Hoarding Woes & You. Please feel free to ask questions etc. I encourage the new visitor to start at the beginning to get the full passage of time, if you currently are dealing with hoarding or know some one. Along the way, there are  pieces of advice and help. 

Update: Status Change

Well, I would have to say, save the heavy big stuff, we are 90% moved from our existing home into the project house…our new home to be. We delayed on getting the movers. We shouldn’t have. Some very heavy pieces make us hesitate to go to the well again with family/friends as they are just too banged up, especially in the lower backs. But, we will overcome this.

So, I have decided to not repetitively bore you with the tiddly stuff on the move. I will take a break here and hopefully, in the not too distant future, post images of the new home set up and put away. Until then, stay cool, thank you for all your love, support and advice. You can always find me over on SwittersB & Exploring, where I take a few moments to photograph and explore. Even this has been a narrow window as I mostly photograph at the homes or along the route between, rarely getting out to fly fish, hike or see nature. But, that is changing too fairly soon!!! Take care and I will be back for one last blast.

Patio Floor Evolution

I have shown these images, in part, before. But it is so enjoyable to view these changes every day. It is pleasing to the eye as the patio/yard evolves. To have cut into those tiles seemed sinful at the time, but so has been tearing out the kitchen tiles, taking off some of the vintage awnings, removing the original beams of the patio cover, plastering over the lilacs on the bathroom ceiling. Changes that have resulted in beautiful changes. I am also mindful that my Aunt had made other changes over the years in design and style. Couple that with the fire she had some years ago and sentimentality/traditions can give way to the realities of change.

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