This is vague thought that I want to get out there and touch upon later. I have alluded to it before but never pursued it. I am not certain even how to pursue it in the future beyond envisioning positive thoughts, images, recollections to help purge the rest.
“the rest”…the sickness, the disorder, the chaos titans of my Mom and Aunt, the waste, the filth, the dysfunction, the trauma, their pain, their incompleteness. It is there. It can be temporarily masked with good deeds, positive self talk and recollections.
However, it is still there to be contended with once all this hoarding cleanup ends. When it ends, there will be some sizable endeavors to honestly and finally contend with: the deaths of my Mom (even my Dad’s 15 years ago) and my Aunt’s; the making sense of their life’s traumas and how they processed them and putting into perspective, for once, of where in the hell are we in all this? The dust needs to settle, the figuring it all out take place (if lucky) and life to stabilize.
Because there are more challenges ahead with elders and loved ones. More why’s, how’s and what nows coming. But, I cannot continue to trudge ahead week after week never processing it even a little only pushing on, almost blindly at times. I and those that love me deserve better than that….just my random thoughts. No time now.
I want those girls to be reclaimed to the lovely sweet hearts they were and this monstrous aberration in their lives put into perspective. I know it is there. Pictures will help. Recollections will help and finally a voice in our heads will solidify the whole.