Tonight, we visited; her pauses apparent. Studying the expressions, the pace of breathing, the strength of voice….tonight she is weak. She is verbal. She is at ease. “I don’t think I can go on much longer” “Is he waiting for me?”
She is in bed early tonight. Lots of hand holding and rubbing her forehead. Sweet gentle words of reassurance. She asks me to lie beside her in her bed. I did…clumsily, I laid beside her and listened to her questions.
She asks questions asking for reassurances of the future. I answer with certainty. May I just say this is a moment that begs many clarifications about one’s spiritual side? Yes, there has been the mental decline plus hallucinations. But, there comes a time when the mind truly appears to transcend the muddled mess and rise to another level….a common theme of seeking clarity.
What is the end? What is life? Where does the life force go as the spark dies? Is there God? Is there Heaven, Hell, some after life? Are you connected in a spiritual way with those that have passed before and will pass after you? What does it all mean? In these moments in life, there is not so much the begging for a deeper meaning as a certainty that there is something greater…..
Is Felix waiting for my sweet auntie on the other side?
She eases into a slumber, breathing shallow and easy. The wrinkles eased from her forehead. The lips part and the jaw drops. I stand up from kneeling beside her, and look at her face.
Is this it? The slow decline? Is the woman, with so many surprises and rebounds, truly slipping? I really don’t know. Dementia, old age, drugs, false reading, true readings……I don’t know. I do know I reaffirmed my love for the sister of my mother tonight. Day to day, week to week, month to month…hopefully.