Work, family, personal self, aunt’s hoarding home, mom’s hoarding home. It has been a slow to fast swirl for the better part of three years with my mom and aunt. One’s personal limits become obvious as you juggle everything. Even with support, strong assistance, a team….your own limitations (and, strengths) come to the surface. They may be masked for a lot of the time, but eventually it shows, if only to you.
For me it is a subtle, nagging intrusion. Duty, focus, love, tasks occupy the mind, the day. It occupies your dreams after awhile. Through it all, something gives. Your self. So, of late, those quirky health issues linger: sleep disturbance, pain, fatigue, personality changes. And, through it all one marches on ever dutiful and committed. But, missing is the self assessment that you are, like a battery operated toy, running down.
You gear up, you wind down, you gear back up…on and on. A fragile balance is maintained and you know how fragile it is. Others around you know it is also and give you space. Thus is the ‘strong one(s)’ taking care of the sick, elderly hoarder….maybe any hoarder that one has taken on.
With my aunt’s injuries, she has out of necessity been slowed down to a physical stand still. Her mind is also changing. This has been very hard to judge and acknowledge. I am still trying to accept. I know I haven’t because when I try to explain the progression to someone and they go “well sure, she’s old” I struggle to hold my tongue. So, it goes. I have reached a point that I know I must regain control of me. My health, my mind, my life. My family and loved ones suffer, my work suffers, the list goes on.
I have burned out a substantial part of my body cleaning two hoarding homes. I have reached a point that my mind has over ridden my body. So, what is my point? I can’t eloquently state it nor use the appropriate clinical lingo. Knowing it all, is not doing it all. Waiting to someday slow down, may well put you way in the hole once your mind, body or soul wears out. All this from some damn accumulation of crap?! Yep
So, I am going to make a strong commitment to me and mine, to include my aunt. I will worry less about those two homes. It will get done. It has to. That said, I am going to go wet a line tomorrow. I want to also, yet again, mention what I have pointed to before….there are some very intelligent, caring people that visit this blog and comment. Bless all of you for your kind words.