I know enough about this process. Of what has been and will continue to be: push this way, pull that way. You think you have a sense of where you might be headed and awake to consider maybe it was just a bad dream?
Today my aunt was as if nothing had transpired this week. All sweetness and light. What!? For real? What the heck is this? The doctor did prescribe an anti-anxiety med, but none of this has yet to flow into her system. What I find is I am suddenly where I don’t want to be: suspicious, cynical, building a little compartment around my feelings. BS to that. I do that enough already.
I am 20 yards into the swamp. And, as many of you have kindly offered up through your own life experiences, you do what you need to for the person. It is disconcerting that my aunt swings this way and that….she was so darn consistent for the last year and a half. Suddenly the paranoid chameleon emerges and just as quickly she reverts back. Nothing shows how frazzled or how clueless you are to your frazzled state than a sudden U-turn. You think you are collected and in control and these episodes show the tolerances are a bit shaky. I have been down this road before with my mom: the guilt, confrontations, the cold shoulder, over the top attempts at reasoning, convincing….really all for nothing. Only when my mom was staring at the reality of imminent death did she say “Oh, what the hell, what does it matter? To hell with it.”
My aunt is not really there yet. She has not let go of life, her routine. She cannot seem to sustain mental momentum. Her temporary clarity allows comments like “I should just donate it all. I should throw some of that away.”
It’s all good…going for the ride; the good, the bad, and the ugly. Having another drop box, smaller, delivered Friday for the weekend. Actually finish the back yard. It will be an accomplishment, like the driveway, to show progress and also not really messing with the inner sanctum.
Bound and determined: she is chugging along on the walker. Such motivation. Denying she fell in her room. Refusing to call for assistance. A juncture is coming where the stars may align for her to say: “the doc says I am as good as I am going to get; I am walking with that damn walker; the therapist says I am as good as I can get considering my age…I am ready to go home.” Still refusing to call the home care staff for assistance, she is creating a a confrontation in which I will have to decide…is this what a responsible person should do? Just stand by and say ‘whatever’?